Kal exam hai

At 24, if you are still writing and worrying about Finals, there is something messed up about your life. Having accepted this with much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments(it IS summer afterall), I am not studying for Biostatistics. There.
As we transition from winter directly into blazing Dermi cool demanding garmi, here's a quote that sums up my present life:

"Like a hibernating bear awoken from a long winter's sleep, I too lumbered my way outdoors and ate a lot of unsuspecting edible objects"True that.

Cardinal directions

Directions matter in the USA. The don't talk about mere lefts and rights here. There is always a "head south " a "northwest of three blocks down something or the other". I have always been faintly afraid of left and right. There's always a nano second of panic when I'm walking or driving and I'm asked to turn left. Which one is it, my brain frantically wonders. My left hand rises reassuringly and points it out. I can't walk ahead if I dont do that little wave to myself that says " Yes, Aggie,that's left. This is not the hand we write with" .
When I first arrived here, this mutation of two simple directions into a many headed hydra was baffling. So confusing, infact, that I dint even try comprehending them. I never asked for directions, I bumbled there myself. Driving here with the GPS was literally one thing off my bucket list. If I could translate head south on Happy Hollow Road to anything in the real world, I had achieved a personal milestone. I am amazed constantly at how most people know exactly where they are since these planned cities with their looping-the-loop interstates and state highways and whatnots are beyond my un-geographical brain.
In a new city, I find anchor points instead of memorizing grids. Mostly everything I know about a place seems to move in concentric circles around this locus. VT station in Bombay, Ben Hill Griffith stadium in UF, the Arch in St Louis,El Camino Real in San Jose. I feel that knowing some directions would be good though. Atleast in America,with it's neat grids and orderly roads, that would be the key to discovering a continent. All the odd numbered interstates that head north-south and the evens, east-west. I see a lot of road trips in my future,  largely a byproduct of have-awesome-roads, will-travel :)

Grad school

If I were not made of sterner stuff, a large chunk of my time at Purdue would be spent weeping silently in the girl's loo.
Ah feminism, you make us internalize so much :)

March madness

Dear Monday,

You are a real bitch and you bring me down to my knees. I'm struggling to get past you and all the work you dumped on me while a perfectly horrid cloudy weather day proceeds outside the confines of this windowless office.
There are times when I am not even aware that it is raining/snowing. Tres pathetic.
And March, is it March already goddamit? Has time warped? It was just January yesterday wasn't it?
Yesterday's torments have led me to a busy music filled cafe where soft chatter is like a balm to my soul. Theatricals, always :)

Mini-epiphany of the soul. There is a utter lack of self-consciousness when I write. Formal dances make me vaguely wooden, singing utterly cripples me. Writing then and bad bollywood dancing are my comfort zone.

Summer is creeping in on us after this long long winter. I can see it in the melting snow and the blinding sunshine.
Ah yes, that  Memphis trip. Here are the promised pictures, taken by a modern Superwoman :
Pictures :)

Peace out and leave me alone, Monday,
Aggie

Suddenly something

It was a long day in lab when I started with this post. One of those titrative, iterative experiments is on. Spectroscopy gives one such indirect results. Untangling lifetimes and decays which could possibly allude to a certain conformational state. The science in this new lab is different, more methodical and plodding with results that don't turn your mouth into happy little O's.

I miss my old  lab very much. Ripping cell nuclei apart on the directions of a Texan version of Yoda was what that was. The methodology was brash, the experiments a joystick based hit and miss.

I wish I could put up one of my nucleus pulling experiments up here.Especially the ones with the pretty GFP labelled actin cables around it. Only if that dint violate copyright laws, now :)

Someday, when this blog grows up a little, I will talk about immigrant experiences, American  political correctness, being a woman in an engineering program at a large public university, things that have changed in India ever since I left, and more. I think I have so many conversations on these themes everyday that I never get around to writing about it here

***
I've entirely forgotten what this was about in the first place. A fact that has never affected my ability to type on, content notwithstanding, so I'll let you grimace through the rest of the post. Presently, my roommate Upasna's mum is over for a holiday. We have 3 meals a day and interesting conversations about Carnatic music now. I find myself almost weeping over pouffy phulka's since the best I can do is behead people with my own sharp-edged unbendable frisbee like creations.
I spend about 3 waking hours of my life at home everyday and most conversations go like this:

A: Lab. Moan.
N: Chai?
A: Ji.
Cook some makeshift sabzi. Talk about work, boyfriends, tomorrow's lunch, long tiresome days, weight gain, the cold,
U: I'm back.Chai?
A: Yeah. Go for it.
U: 15 pages due this Tuesday.
A: How is that humanly possible.
N: 2 labs to grade.
A: Tea?
U: Nahi, just had some.
A:So?
U:Okay yeah, chai.

Mum's change everything. Even the sarkari officer-chaap tea drinking existence that we seem to have built up here.

My mojo. I keep losing the damn thing.

****

Memphis next weekend :) Elvis, here I come, babe. Sherin and I have decided not to waste any time talking to another soul for the whole weekend. I miss her like we'd all miss electricity if it ever disappeared from our lives. Who knows, I might even have some pictures from this trip to show yall.

Le but n’est rien. Le chemin, c’est tout
(Achieving a goal is nothing. The getting there is everything)
-Jules Michelet:

The sort of quote you appreciate when you think you've got it made at the age of 23 and then the ground beneath your feet gets swept away entirely 

Aaj jaane ki zid na karo :)

Urk, so many things to write about!

First off, Sharan, Happy Birthday :D I don't care how late it is. I'm sending you those vibes of awesomeness and imaginary books to make your day. And of course, commiserations on age collectively catching up with us.


***

I'm back in Bombay and well, I'm so damn happy  :) How rare is that emotion on this rather whiny blog? This time around, I want to see Bombay for the brilliant city that it is. I've realised that being so close to it for most of my life, I've never explored it the way it deserves to be seen. Of course, I want the easy way out here. Idle Christmas wish that someone would take me around and show me their version of the city. Their favorite shop, nooks and crannies that only they know of, spots where they saw celebrities. My knowledge of Bombay is limited to Marine Drive at night.

Things I missed this last year and that hit me this lazy Sunday afternoon:
1. The Sunday Express. I have always loved the Indian Express and they outdo themselves on Sunday. Bliss to read it cover to cover and then start in the Eye.
2. Swampy creek smells from the creek. Yep, even that salty tang can be missed if you've grown up with it.
3. Garlic chicken manchurian. Indo-Chinese, you know not what you have done for my grilled chicken weary heart.
4. Those auto drivers who will not speak a word. No, they will not. Ask, beg, bhaiyaa, Hill road please, and no, they will stare stoically ahead and drive on. When did they decide to dispense with words like this?
5. Cheap footwear in all colors of the rainbow. And every possible non-rainbow fluorescent-y color too.
6. Jobless lounging on the couch. Actually taking a break. Leisure, I really missed you :|

***

India's other face is terrorizing this time and I'm sure that my rage about recent incidents has been written about by more competent people. I suck at writing about things that are on my mind constantly. But well, I feel terribly angry and helpless and I have to make this stab at writing about it. I hate it when people say stuff about the victim's "optimism to live". WTF is wrong with yall? She's not just going to keel over and die because this happened to her.

***

Right, lots of disconnected things there.

Cards against Humanity

We got some in the mail today. It is a very funny game to play, especially when you are completely done playing nice :) Like Apples to Apples for the 20 something of today. Download this rightaway :)You'll love it if you never saw the point of Monopoly.
Anyway,this is the annual birthday post for that shining star of humanity, Suchi, who has turned an undiscolosed age again this year. May her hair continue to dazzle us and may Garnier forever burn for losing out on her.
As always, I had an exam chasing me on the 7th and she had work related miseries to deal with. We had a long conversation about books. Same shit, different year.
This time, I upgraded my gift to a Kindle gift card. I've always loved gifting books since you can steal them right back from people for a nice long read without worrying about shelf space.
Ennui, that is the word of the day.

A day like this

They say that into each life, some rain must fall.
This is not rain! It is a torrent of flaming dog poo.

Movie time :)

Once in a while a book will come along and I will attempt to live it. For those intense hours that I'm reading it, I'll be lost. And then everything I see will be through a thin veneer of whatever I've just read. My views change or I discover something about religion, magical realism, Columbia, dancing, thought and so much more. 

Some books just weave words around and I find myself changed by them.
Over the years, three such books have been Yann Martel's Life of Pi (religion, phosphorescence), Rushdie's Midnight's Children (Bombay, grasshopper green chutney, smells) and Cloud Atlas (time is circular, man is a selfish beast). Something about each of these makes them very special to me and well, this post is not about them as books really.

It's about how they are now movies. This phenomena of three much loved books materializing on screen is clearly a higher power telling me that things are going to be fine, because hey, other people love these books too. And these other people are making them come alive for me (and the world) with their own imaginations. Most movies based on books appeal to me because they let me get away from the picture I have of them in my head. They let me see another interpretation of the same thing. How can that be less than exciting? :)

After much thought, I've decided not to go into a long description of what these books are about. Maybe another time. I want to let the previews speak for themselves.

1. Cloud Atlas

2. Life of Pi

3. Midnight's Children

Super excited!! :D


                                                *****

I am coping surprising well with things. Work is an excellent strategy for distracting self. I That and plans to go home for Christmas. Nothing lifts my spirits more than the thought of some unfortunate chickens accompanied with garlic naan and butter waiting for me at the end of a 19 hour flight ordeal. I want Bombay, regular coffee, Natu, Dk and my mom. 

Have you ever tried living completely in the present? I cant remember if I have ever done that. I don't dwell on the past anymore because it depresses me and I don't like thinking about the future because it's fluidity is unsettling  One day at a time. That's all I can do right now.

                                               ******



Inner peace,

Only you have the power to make this blog less whiny. Do your bit for the general reading public.

I miss you,
Aggie

                                        

On death and dying

Ladies,

Things ended with Derek :| Not a good note, but these things never do. I'm in a state of hypershock, apparently having totally misread the situation for a very long time. It's been two weeks now, and I've been through more emotions that any brain should have to handle. I desperately wish I simply stopped caring, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I need a place to vent and this trusty blog is where I can think a little.
Long conversations with everyone about how/why/what of this very painful ending and it still seems as senseless as before.
I saw 500 days of summer again, I'll take any easy answer right now. I've always seen Summer's point of view so well before. She made so much sense. Till I saw things from Tom's perspective for the first time in my life and man, it sucks.
This is a garbled post, innit? Why are heart's so breakable?
So, I go through life on autopilot now. It's easy in a new place, with new people around. And all that work. But life seems to have lost some it's clarity now.
I'm tentatively getting back to a semblance of normalcy. Prowling coffee shops and libraries, walking on leafy trails with sensible people, talking to Sherin, Joy, Henna, Meher, Hetal, Vee, Dee ( I would be brain dead by now without you guys).
I read Kubler-Ross's theories for some direction. They almost make sense.

Aggrieved,
Aggie

Stress tensors

I'm doing a PhD in Chemical Engineering. Why the fuck?
I think this is the most worried I've been in my entire life. More than that one time I got lost at the Vashi fair.
I dont really know all this Math and Fluid Dynamics. It's all happening on auto pilot.
Let us talk about Uzair Jaswal then and how I can float down on his voice and get five precious minutes in the world to myself.
Or about Ashok Banker's Ramayana series whose cheap mythological thrills remind of Mahabharat on TV and Champak on newspaper stands. I absolutely love it :)
Or about decorating walls and living spaces, which I now do endlessly. Isin't that table just perfect for this tiny room?
Who's up for a bit of life swapping? I want one where I can lounge about and discuss these things with giggly people. You can take my differential equations.
For a real post on books look here

Dilettante

That is what I am this summer. I even bought a really expensive mango, harking back to those summer vacations of yore where all my clothes had yellow spots and my face had a mandatory mango heat boil. This limbo between schools means that I have a summer off. School's out. I sometimes say those words to myself on icky hot days where my biggest concerns are which book to pick. I think those two words strung together is the nicest sentence in the language.

After two years of crushing worries in grad school, I spent the first half of this unexpected vacation worrying myself to death about wasted time and a lack of purpose. Maybe I should be working towards a summer project or travelling or well, something. But I'm temporarily sick of work. And the only way I can travel is if someone hires me as pack mule, since being between schools is also a euphemism for unemployment.

Relaxing is hard at this level. Everyone here is a highly motivated graduate student, wishing for more hours in the day to fill with work. Heck, I wasted a whole month just judging myself. If I'm not working shouldn't I focus on fun? Plan trips, invade theme parks, drive forever?

A massive finger to all of that. What I'm doing is various shades of presently enjoying nothing. Working out some transport phenomena problems because I want to, painting, overloading my Kindle so that it crashes and making khana everyday. It's a slow, dreamy life. With tea in the evening, a pool to lounge in and girlfriends who revere Bollywood pulp. I'm happy, anyone would be with this pool :) 


P:S
Sharan, my mother, on Skype this week, asked how you are doing and sends her regards. She is a rather random woman too :)

64 days of summer

Summer's here :) With it comes a weird blend of wanting to just die and gawking at all the butterflies. Watermelon slices are rampant. Shorts too and giant sunglasses. It's time to shed some excess baggage.
What I don't like about Summer here is that it's not immediately followed by a monsoon season. I won't go on and on about the rains. Endlessly romanticizing things has long been a personal weakness.

Saw a couple of movies this week that have both made me think for vastly different reasons:

1. Tiny Furniture
By Lena Dunham and starring as Aura
Is the seemingly pathetic story of a privileged New Yorker whose failure to find employment finds her moving back to her mother's home. Things are a little too real for her as she tries to find her talent and voice while navigating a couple of relationships that made me cringe. Dunham is shocking in how much of herself she puts out there. Physically and artistically. When every woman around me, on the TV, in the bus, while shopping is so perfectly pretty with flippy straight hair, it's unsettling see Aura looking far less than perfect in most frames. I dint really like the movie much. I think it doesn't make itself a very like-able experience, but it certainly measures the unemployment, unfulfillement and deprivation of a new generation.

2. Main Khiladi tu Anari
I love this movie :) That I was forced to watch in parts on Youtube, having no access to those giants of mega bad TV, Star and Sony. I've accepted the fact that being far away from India makes you appreciate all it's pulp fiction vastly more. It's something  only you understand, having being an Indian child in the 90's. This movie has all the early pre-waxed Akshay and Saif hilarity. Haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Why is Bollywood so dumbed down?